spiderwebs/ falling into place

31 jan 2019

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winter can have its own little cruel ways

of getting in your bones

and savouring them

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violent even,

existential fears rising to the surface,

dancing

at the edge of a cliff

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until everything

f

a

l

l

s

into

place.

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horrors of a summer warmed up in the depth of winter

“what if one day there is no such thing as snow?”

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i never believed the question, because it is only a coward.

we got to see a life of the spiders

that live inside the palais du tokyo,

just for one day/ real size

(but who knows what we might wake up to tomorrow)

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after months of dust and breathing/ on their last day you ran for your life/ for your birth date/ to touch the last line

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and make a sound .

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in complete agreement, you noted now,

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the peak experience can come to you, anytime, in the form of what you feared, but slightly different,

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in the cold, not trembling anymore,

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especially in the shape of a smile, and a promise of another life,

entering number 10,

“look at the wooden floor!”

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the tale of two winters parallel,

and a change in the way you see the world.

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you are always having the conversation.

life lines/ 31 oct 2018

a change in time, the clocks went back

on a sunday

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a change in the weather, the mind thought it was reset to the past,

for a second

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(and in which past life am i running for my life, restlessly, always prepared with a fully-packed bagpack in hand,

i’ve been wondering as of late)

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and in which past,

and in what manners,

what lives did it decide to visit now?

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(i know precisely where it wonders,

but i tend to ignore,

for it will serve me no good)

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and so i let waves of nostalgia kick in

through a song i listened in the wrong place at the wrong time, then and again,

while- what an irony!- writing an essay on insular nostalgias in film,

and i rush to cycle for a cup of tea at a friend’s,

where have you been?“, she asks the mind

– she knows to ask the right questions-

and i struggle to explain the rollercoasters a day can bring- “oh, you don’t know the places i’ve seen“, and i have not moved once-  but she understands, for feelings are universal, if only you use the right textiles and colours,

and i think, how lucky am i to be here now 

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our lives follow life lines at any given moment

and the body remembers when the mind doesn’t

and it all adds up to the layers that make you you

but at times like this, at halloweens, it seems simpler to pinpoint the exact seconds of montages of your life flashing by

in years and big people and important conversations

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longing for that something else you always dreamed of, somewhere else, with somebody, once-

a soothing feeling, for sure, but you wouldn’t want to revisit those dungeons of a past behind a screen-

or some light in the darkness you were seeing for too long,

or an almost-panic attack in the wake of deaths and suicides

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a pavement, a party, an ouija board, a j, a shed, a trick or treating, two clubs, an allnighter,

a long conversation and a hug over water on a bridge as the sky turned pink

and it was no longer halloween.

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.

i am here now

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Copy of C022863-R1-05-4C022863-R1-08-9AC022863-R1-06-5

.

perhaps this is the season when it is time to accept that

we need to re-write our story lines on the weather

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for life is different now in

every single way

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and life shows itself

happening

in every cornerIMG_0015IMG_0056

and although the cold approaching

reminds of times and climaxes well-treasured IMG_0078

you wouldn’t want to relive them, would youIMG_9999

would you?

 

you can only follow one line at the time

and following one too many will only get you entangle

in a nothingness

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neither here nor

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there

 

stay here

and thrive

in the space

while waiting for yet another perfectly defined line

only to realise that you are exactly where you need to be,

and have been,

all along .

the awareness that i’m lucky/ october

28 october 2018

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that i can wake up

and rush to open the curtains

and no matter the weather i can smile and say

yes.

i am so excited to live today

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that i can take the shortcut through the field by my flat and be blinded by the golden morning light through the autumn leaves

and feel that the whole of life is contained in this moment

and whisper i can’t believe this is real life

even though the real life clocks have just hit 9am and i haven’t had enough sleep for a few months

and i’m running to go to a lecture on how to construct fake realities

and what it means to be human

or find ideas everywhere

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IMG_8472and watch films, and have pic-nics in between screenings, and then breathe, for a second

and realise that every single feeling is held within a single breath

and you get to control it, if you breath deeply enough

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and the thought that every day i can take a shower and feel pure

no matter the dust of the everyday

no matter the words that have been spoken

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to remember and to appreciate the story arc

and all that have happened

and the ability to be gentle in cruel situations

and the softness and beauty of it all

 

as long as you are tender

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the feelings i have seen

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the feelings i have squeezed out of living breathing people

who weren’t there to see them themselves

the lives i’ve lived in between commutes and bike rides in the burning skies towards fine autumn nights

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/i can’t believe this is real life /

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that the body needs to be fed on a daily basis

but what a wonderful thing because

food is the way to a person’s heart aleks always says

and nothing could be more true

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as we act like silly 5 year olds for the thousandth time

in a kitchen that is not ours

climbing on each others’ backs and screaming peculiar names in languages we don’t know

dancing to foreign music

and eating the food before it’s cooked

 

 

and be reminded that we shall never stop being kids

and we can always play in the same seriousness we used to have, back then

.

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and if there is a time you think that you can never get out of bed again

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think again

get up

get out

look at the sky

breathe in

smell the soil embraced with fresh rain and observe the cliché of a light creeping timidly through the clouds

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.

(i have also been there)

(and here)

(and everywhere

and)

if there is only one thing i know

is that light always gets in

 

and that life can be as funny as it is sweet

york/ a little fairytale

this is for york

a place where magic always happens

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it doesnt have to be big or tremendous  IMG_0784

it just has to be real and a little fairy-likeIMG_0296

and it does. it does-

it always, always feels like a dreamIMG_0037IMG_0789

once you leave the house, something happensIMG_1443IMG_1457IMG_1793 (1)

in the tiniest of ways, life proves itself as wonderful, over and over againIMG_1829IMG_9453

it is a warm and a cold feeling, it’s soft,

you are in this little bubble

not really sure of where you are, at allIMG_1966IMG_9457

the light never disappoints

and ‘oh, i’m the weather’, you will say,IMG_2177

but there’s never been a momentIMG_4910

a single momentIMG_6233IMG_6232

when you didn’t wake up IMG_6231IMG_0625

and say,

oh, i wonder what today will bring –IMG_8547

whether it’s rain or a golden light, or a new year,

a fresh soul, to understand yoursIMG_8647

seasons work in strange ways, nature finds its way to your very bones, and oftenIMG_8673

you are really convinced

that it’s working on your side.IMG_8732

pathetic fallacy is real, you hear yourself say,

but what a funny funny thing to say.

selfish, too, because why would something as bountiful as nature

be in sync with you.

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when the snow came, that is when it felt real IMG_9416IMG_9517IMG_9788

you heard your voice from a distance, as a child, of 6 years,

‘mama, papa, I love you, and goodnight, and if it snows wake me up” in a desert of a country,IMG_9850

and then you saw it and it was there and it was real IMG_9868

and life was falling into placeIMG_9720

it fell into place, the whole of lifeIMG_9739IMG_9780

sending shivers down your spine, as you are writing it now,

but it did do that, then.IMG_1575

spring was the most delirious of all.

so many reminders come with it, so many things you had forgotten.IMG_0484

the bloomIMG_1200IMG_1178

like a child first learning how to walk,

it unfolded itselfIMG_1169

you saw dreams and snapshots of lives never lived

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turning into realitiesIMG_1475

you felt it allIMG_1471

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embraced it allimg_2140.jpg

.

when you came back it wasn’t like it used to be at all. IMG_4925

a week away, and the whole world seemed like it caught fire.IMG_4977

never seen a light as gold.IMG_4996

never touched a life as boldIMG_5202

breathtaking.IMG_5210IMG_5376

the whole campus was a feastIMG_5345IMG_5322IMG_5398

you felt the feeling of a summer about to come that you only dreamed about in books,

once.IMG_5402IMG_5481

.

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new birth

nothing could be as colourful as mayIMG_0816IMG_0941IMG_0880IMG_0995IMG_1009

reworking your thoughts through a meaning of life,

everything became apparent.

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silly days and nights and moments alone with a wholeness of their ownIMG_6684

freeIMG_6691

and fullIMG_6797

to exist in all the ways they were allowed to.

pinkIMG_6760

soft pink

surrounding your very existenceIMG_6796IMG_6806IMG_6821

in endless picnics and fiestas.IMG_6698

you saw a red balloon and thought of enduring love

and thought that you don’t know what life will bring

in a secondIMG_7020

or a yearIMG_0590IMG_0615

you breathed flowers to keep yourself alive,

without fearIMG_0294IMG_0805IMG_0781IMG_0796IMG_0782

you made a homeIMG_0868IMG_1668IMG_1666IMG_1517IMG_1524

you jumped in a river past midnightIMG_0743

you loved and loved all you could

all those that made you you

and so much more,

you never stopped,IMG_7515

here is to all the times you will leave from the train station

thinking

oh i am so very glad to be home

and you’ll take the long way home

to experience every little one of its little alleys and walk on the pavements too short for the road and look at the people through reflections having candlelit dinners

and discover new corners of fairy-dust

and souls waiting to embrace you

and accidents

waiting to happen

and feelings

waiting

to be breathed

 

 

and the whole of life

at once

in a little town

where you never even thought

you would find yourself

in

kashmir/ a bit of a mix

it’s been a rollercoaster, to say the least

or a shikara (boat) ride

– thinking you will lose balance, fall in, but constantly captivated by the sight of it all-

through floating gardens

lotus, waterlilies

(mr wonderful flower man said “my name is waterlily don’t be silly” and he gave me flowers at 5am)

and sunrises

floating markets

eagles surrounding you, and tea

we stayed in a houseboat for a week, in shrinagar

it was a dream

but i have mixed feelings about it

i think i won’t be able to express a thing until i’m far away

in yet another country

(maybe it’s safer this way)

i breathe light on sunsets and sunrises

a constant inner-outer world battle, of heaviness and light

people here are so different, which comes at no surprise- india is huge, and they beg to differ

way too many unwanted male glances, endless staring

discomfort

(maybe i should have worn a head scarf)

a difficultly to connect

to talk freely

but they mean no harm, religion is their only reality

the mountains gave me something i could call creative epiphany

and a nausea from climbing

so far up

to reach the glacier

the whole world started spinning from the lack of oxygen

(and for once what i saw met the spinning, blending of thoughts that was happening inside my head on those days)

big adventures we went through, stories to tell friends when there is no longer a need to worry about a thing

laughing at the face of danger

(remembering that i’ve always been that girl, age 5, risking her life for beauty- re-entering a car that was about to fall from a cliff, in romania, to get the stones that she had collected earlier)

it’s difficult to sum things up

when every single second is

completely

different

and every image a blend of beauty and life and death

and there is no time or way to go through the infinite number of photos or videos (and yes, i never learn, i always, always, do this to myself)

through a broken computer screen

and too many wires to make it work

.

better just let go

and breathe

in the moment

jaisalmer/ rajesh, haveli,the desert and its wonders

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a school outside our accommodation

i got in that mood i always get when i’m travelling (and not), where i’m struck by an overwhelming love for every creature and every human i encounter- almost painfully strongIMG_0081

and then i feel somewhat emotionally attached to a place, which makes it hard to leave (such an ironic situation, as travelling means almost always moving)

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we met rajesh today, while bying clothes

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we spent hours with him, first bargaining, then drinking chai and talking about his life and dreams IMG_0459IMG_0453

“i dream to fly, fly, fly- to leave this shop and obligations, to become an actor. once my children are old enough, i will fly. i am a good actor”

he entertained us for a long time, immitating all different types of customers who come in his shopIMG_0153IMG_0159

people here ask to be photographed

the way they look directly at the camera, at me, gives me something completely fresh

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the haveli in jaisalmer was a victorian dream with a twist

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i always visit cemetaries everywhere, but bada bagh was a completely different experience- i think i’ve leveled up in the graveyard exploration game

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an abandoned village in the middle of nowhere- where people are said to get nightmares if they spend the night

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the movement of the car

through the desert

safari

fast enough to create a collage of overwhelming images,

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but freezing time, once a face turns to look at you- that electrifying millisecond of eye contact

someone carrying water, a basket, the only colour standing out in the monotony of sand

for miles

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in the darkness, on the way back home (“home”?),

with a running nose and

overflowing feeling

i thought about everyone i’ve ever known

and all the ways there is to communicate

to understand

and how we had just jumped and danced on sandhills at sunset with the camel boys and laughed in a language no one spoke

but everyone understood

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and i thought

this is how to live

jaisalmer/ golden city, the fort, gadisar nokayan

we’ve been here for 24 hours

mum and alkinoos woke up confused, took them a while to remember where they areIMG_9001

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you go through phases

throughout the day

as if time doesn’t exist

(and my perception of time was already twisted)IMG_9367

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first, constant amazement

endless wonder

far away from anything you’ve ever knownIMG_9045IMG_9270IMG_9065

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then you think you might even get used to it

you think you have

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it starts feeling like a home (the eternal familiar sensation you get when you seem to be able to make a home out of everything)IMG_9929

then you close your eyes for a secondIMG_9922

or twoIMG_9973

you get distracted

you think of lives past

you make the mistake of checking your phone IMG_9298

stop

you look around you

and

it starts all over againIMG_9212.JPG

a spiral

 

and every tiny bit of the process

is

m

a

g

i

c

india / arrival

29 july 2018

a family of 4, 4 flights, 2 days spent in 5 airports; from larnaca to kiev- new delhi- jaipur-> jaisalmer

we are, of course, sleep deprived, half-dreaming, half-in shock

i thought i would try and upload what i can, while i can (wi-fi permitting), selected at random and in a hurry

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we landed in a desert, an army base, a shock of a heatwave hit our faces. IMG_8716IMG_8865

roads where cows, people, and every possible kind of vehicle co-exist in a chaotic harmony IMG_8926IMG_8939IMG_8852IMG_8963IMG_8973IMG_8989IMG_8991IMG_8995IMG_8958IMG_8898

a whole month ahead of us / i wonder how it will be

 

song of today: futile devices – sufjan stevens

all that we love about cyprus /λυθροδόντας

 

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a morning spent in momentary but seemingly everlasting inertia / αδράνεια

a lunch out, with mum

some kind of existential panic

a phone call, a car ride, a re-discovering of the green that cyprus holds, sometimes

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a drive in λυθροδόντας, where vasiliki asked us to visit a thousand times before

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.

last night, on a spontaneous night swim in the sea with a close friend, we started writing a mental list of all that we love about cyprus

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i have trouble loving it sometimes

but where else can you go from your city to the sea to the mountain in an hour or two (three days ago i went to 5 different cities in just over 24 hours)

decide what to do on spot, have the comfort of feeling that anything might be possible

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village after village, try to get lost, eat μαχαλλεπί with locals

sit at the καφενές for hours

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be constantly reminded of what happiness means, and how it can be found in pure everyday fragments

by people who

have lived

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long enough

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to be sure

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of it

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τα σύκα του παππού ευτήχιου

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το παγωτό του κύπιου αντρέα, που το 1962

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μια θέα / a view

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έναν εκκλησακι / a small church

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ένα στρόμα πας την καρκόλα, έξω, στο περβόλι του παππού / a mattress on a bed, outdoors, in grandpa’s orchard

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IMG_5404.JPGένα τετράδιο / a notebook

 

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λία αστεία / a few jokes

 

 

we found pure

happiness

in all things we felt

and saw

and we didn’t question the simplicity of it once

as we felt it

all

 

all of us

at once